The Top Ten Butts Of Fantasy And Science Fiction

August 15, 2019August 14, 2019 / QuillToLive / 2 Comments

Okay, so it is distinctly possible that I misunderstood the directions for this thought piece. Apparently I am the only person who thinks about bottoms when told to list the “Best ‘Buts’ of Fantasy and Science Fiction.” But we can’t let good thicc content go to waste, so strap in and get ready for an intellectual dissection of booty. In this list, we explore the iconic backsides of the sci-fi and fantasy genres. What makes a butt stand out? Are all butts created equal? Do some rise above the rest to sit in the upper echelon, looking down upon the lesser derrières? The answers to these questions, of course, are “Bodaciousness and impact,” “No,” and “ASS-olutely.” Here’s our list of the best butts the sci-fi and fantasy world has to offer (in no particular order)!

1) Samwise Gamgee (Lord of the Rings) – As soon as we started talking about butts, my mind immediately went to one of the greatest heroes of fantasy, the hobbit who trekked across a country, putting miles and miles of work into shaping what must be a magnificent bubble butt hidden beneath his elven cloak. But not Frodo, oh no siree. All that wasting away from not eating and the pressure of the One Ring does not a round rump make. Samwise, on the other hand, carried Mr. Frodo up a mountain, climbed innumerable stairs, and stomped his way through swampy marshes, all while powered by friendship. His efforts crafted what I can, and do, imagine is one of the finest toned posteriors in all of Middle Earth. Mmmm mmmm, gimme a big bowl of rabbit stew with an extra serving some of those rump-roasted trouser PO-TA-TOES Sam is carrying around! (Also, an extra shoutout to Samwise for being the only person to make both the But and Butts list)

2) Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen) – Watchmen’s Dr. Manhattan flaunts his blue moon for the majority of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ graphic masterwork. His big, blue butt and…the rest of his blue body (*wink*) are just there through much of the novel, on display for everyone to enjoy. In fact, it’s mildly disappointing when Dr. Manhattan chooses to summon clothing out of thin air, hiding his glorious blue bum from the world. Dr. Manhattan bares it all–not just because he’s ripped, but because he’s beyond the need for clothes. This choice represents the ever-thinning threads that connect him to the humanity he is destined to leave behind. His nudity, though, along with his insane superpowers and the public’s shifting opinion on him, culminates in a heart-wrenching end for Dr. Manhattan’s blue butt. With the HBO show coming up, we imagine many readers will venture into the world of Watchmen for the first time soon, so we’ll avoid spoilers. Come for the blue butt, stay for one of the best stories ever to grace the comic book medium.

3) Lan Mandragoran (The Wheel of Time) – I don’t think anyone can fight me on this one – Lan Mandragoran has to have one of the hardest, most chiseled, badass asses out there. Do you know what isn’t kind to the butt? Equestrian… Equestrinarianism… Equest… HORSEBACK RIDING. Riding on a horse all day is basically the equivalent of beating your butt into submission until it rises up and can fight a horse. It’s a Rocky montage in which Rocky is your butt, and Apollo is the the saddle/gravity/and horse’s back all rolled into one. And there is no one I can think of in all of fantasy who does more horseback riding than Lan. First off, his horse Mandarb is described as a hulking goliath of an animal which only means that all butt-on-saddle action is more intense. Second off, Lan spends almost every single book riding across the continent either being chased, chasing someone, or racing against time. And there are fourteen books in this sequence. By the end of A Memory of Light, it would not surprise me if Lan’s butt was tougher than his plate mail. He could probably run into battle and simply block sword strikes on his bare keister. Lan Mandragoran’s butt is one of the most capable warriors in a series full of them.

4) Portia (Children of Time) – You want to talk about butts with talents? Asses with aptitude? Proficient posteriors? Cheeks with capability? Keisters with knacks? Butts that can do so many amazing things that it makes other butts look like dumbpoops? Then look no further than the stunning rear end of Portia the spider from Children of Time. Things this butt can do that yours can’t – have full conversations with everyone around her through the use of abdominal paps, literally build a house, forge weapons, create art. Can your butt do any of those things (no a huge poop does not count as any of them, you are gross, sit down)? This incredible lady has a genetically enhanced and specially evolved behind in order to help her survive in a hostile world. Her bottom is straight fire and could give any butt on this list a run for its money. If this was a butt royal, it would be Portia’s that stood victorious on the fields of battle.

5) Katara (Avatar: The Last Airbender) – Stay with me here. When you show someone your butt, you’re MOONing them. The moon lends waterbenders their greatest power. The moon is the biggest butt in the Avatar world. If you apply the transitive property a few times in a very accurate, peer-reviewed mathematical process, this means that waterbending is essentially buttbending. Katara becomes one of the world’s best buttbenders as the series progresses, carrying over into the graphic novels that follow. She even leverages the power of the moon to bloodbend at one point. That’s badass…or should I say badBUTT? An honorable mention from the Avatar universe goes to Appa, the sky bison whose tail (a clear extension of the butt) packs a punch and frequently launches enemies into oblivion.

6) Alex Kamal (The Expanse) – We have talked about toned butts, we have talked about buff butts, and we have talked about versatile butts – but what about a perfectly preserved butt? Let me ask you, what is a butt’s greatest enemy? Correct, the forces of time and gravity. No matter how powerful the butt, no matter how intense the training routine, time makes fools of all butts. However, there are those who go to great lengths to minimize their keister strain and keep their butts safe. I am talking about spaceship pilots of course. Adrift in the vast expanse of a space vacuum, a pilot’s butt is kept safe from the ravages of a planet’s mass. Alex Kamal, from The Expanse, is a particularly stunning example of the perfect pampered posterior. Not only has he spent most of his life in space, keeping his butt safe, but he also spends almost all of his time in a gel crash couch that even further insulates his booty from harm. Alex’s butt is like a mint condition action figure, worth even more in its packaging. His butt is pristine, pert, and positively bodacious.

7) Jean Tannen (The Gentlemen Bastards) – If you’re reading this list, there’s approximately a 100% chance you’re thinking “wow this incredible thought piece has made a cultural contribution so powerful that I am inspired to go home and improve my own butt.” We have all been there. So you get to the gym and are looking at the best exercises to do. After looking for a while, you locate the holy grail of buttcheek toning, the squat. Squats are the king of butt exercises and there is no surer way to take your bottom from zero to hero than squatting all the time. But you know who squats a lot? Thieves. Always squatting on rooftops, skulking through alleys, and creeping through homes while they rob people blind. Thus we get to our next member of the posterior pantheon, Jean from The Lies of Locke Lamora. This man’s walk basically resembles the Kazatsky dance as he just squats his way around town. His ass is so toned he could probably grip a flat wall between his two cheeks and suspend himself in the air just by clenching while he gave his arms and legs a nice rest. Thieves have developed the pinnacle of butt-day workout routines for the gym, and there is no thief more devoted to his work out than Jean.

8) Dolores Umbridge (Harry Potter) – First, let’s address the elephant-butt in the room—namely, Dolores Umbridge’s elephant-butt. Yeah, the toad-like Ministry lackey has a certifiably large derrière, but it’s her general disposition that earns her a spot on this list. Umbridge waltzes into Hogwarts and promptly takes over. She makes students who can literally perform magic simply sit and read books (even though we at QTL know that books are their own special kind of magic, right? *eye roll*). She makes her students carve disciplinary messages onto the backs of their own hands as punishment for speaking out of turn or “telling lies.” Oh, and there’s the whole “I’m a wizarding world mega racist” thing. Umbridge both has and is one of fantasy’s biggest butts, and we love to hate her for it.

9) Falkor (Neverending Story) – Next up is arguably the biggest butt on this list and probably the most awesome of all butts. Falkor is the magnificent white luck dragon from the Neverending Story, and he is 43 feet long, a good majority of which can be considered a butt. Yes, shut up, his entire body is one long butt, this is my butt article and I get to determine what qualifies as a butt and the glorious 40 feet behind Falkor’s head are definitely a butt. I’ve never wanted to hop on a booty as badly as when I first imagined myself in Atreyu’s place, riding the resplendent and dignified Falkor across the landscape of Fantasia. Imagine holding handfuls of the dragon’s fluffy down fur in your hands as you ride through the skies of Fantasia, and I guarantee you’ll come around and agree that this one of the best butts of sci-fi and fantasy.

10) Karris White Oak (Lightbringer) – An absolute brutal training regimen and employment as a magical Secret Service agent both mean that Karris White Oak from the Lightbringer series is PROBABLY rocking a serious booty. But, I am not actually sure. Why you ask? Leather. Tons, and tons, of leather. You see, leather is like butt-makeup and when properly applied can make any heinie look heavenly or derriere look devilish. As a member of the Blackguards, Karris (and the rest of the organization) basically spend their lives in so much combat leather that it resembles a gimp suit. She can’t so much as pick up a pencil without the telltale sounds of squeaky, clingy, jetblack cowhide. Even if she wasn’t born with a grade-A bottom, her leathers have probably sculpted her ass into a work of art at this point – serving as a sculptor’s mold that has sat for twenty years. It’s as I always say, fake it until you make it.

Bonus Bum: Geralt of Rivia (The Witcher) – Geralt of Rivia has a terrible butt. It’s old, weather worn, severely poisoned, and nothing to look at judging by some of the scenes in The Witcher game series. However, he still almost made the list due to the sheer variety of people, animals, creatures, and magic wielders that have hunted his booty. In every book of the The Witcher series, as well as the games, it seems that someone (or multiple someones) is after his ass. God only knows why multiple sorceresses try, to varying degrees of success, to get on that butt. Kings, Spymasters, Emperors, Bounty Hunters, Archmages, Fey, Undead, Assassins, and more have tried to catch up to Geralt to get a hold of his backside. And let’s not forget the numerous creatures and monsters of The World who try to take a bite out of that booty! And so, despite not making the list as one of the Top Ten Best Butts, Geralt does at least possess possibly the most sought after butt in fantasy.

That’s our round-up–thanks for reading! Any classic butts you think we missed? Want more lists/have an idea for our next one? Let us know in the comments!

The Top Ten “Buts” Of Fantasy And Science Fiction

August 13, 2019August 15, 2019 / QuillToLive / 2 Comments

The science fiction and fantasy pantheon overflows with amazing quotes. The intertwined genres offer heart-wrenching quotes about love, inspiring quotes about courage, uncompromising quotes about hardship, and endless others. At their best, these quotes can profoundly touch the reader and leave a lifelong impact on them. Some of the most impactful quotes I’ve encountered share one notable quality: they include the word “but.” These quotes all build the reader up with a crescendo of anticipation, then pull out the metaphorical rug with a “but” and a revelatory flourish. The “but” is versatile, and it can be used to undercut expectations, give readers hints about the future of the narrative, or make you rethink your stance on a particular character. To prove this, I asked theThe Quill to Live writers to build a list of our favorite “but” quotes, and this is what we came up with. They are in no particular order; enjoy!

1) “Oh, yeah. Poor bloke. Brilliant mind. He was fine while he was studyin’ outta books but then he took a year off ter get some firsthand experience….” – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling

Rubeus Hagrid’s description of Harry Potter’s first Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher hosts one of the fantasy genre’s most iconic and prescient “buts.” For those who voraciously re-read the series, it’s a darkly playful nod to the tortured Professor Quirrell’s fate at the hands of Voldemort. To the first-years, it’s an indication that something is…off about him. Hagrid, a loyal but not-so-bright fellow, lends the quote a certain gravitas that makes it all the more meaningful. Young Harry trusts Hagrid, and his instincts are sharp enough to know when something’s amiss. This first interaction with Quirrell and the hints Hagrid drops combine to form a literary moment that sets the stage for the remainder of the series–not everyone is trustworthy, and it’s hard work separating the noble from the wicked in the wizarding world.

2) “. . . Moon-Watcher felt the first faint twinges of a new and potent emotion. It was a vague and diffuse sense of envy–of dissatisfaction with his life. He had no idea of its cause, still less of its cure; but discontent had come into his soul, and he had taken one small step toward humanity.” – 2001: A Space Odyssey by Arthur C. Clarke

One of science fiction’s most profound “buts” appears early in Arthur C. Clarke’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. Following Moon-Watcher and his decidedly unevolved band of ape cohorts in the novel’s opening chapters provides a stark contrast from the movie, allowing the ape-community time to breathe and anchoring the novel in pseudo-human history. This “but” signals the ape colony’s ascent to a more elite and less primitive race, laying the groundwork for the millennia-spanning evolutionary space opera to come.

3) “The Wheel of Time turns, and ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legends fade to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the third age by some, an Age yet to come, an age long passed, a wind rose in the Mountains of Mist. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings or endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.” – The Eye of the World by Robert Jordan

This quote opens Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time series and graces the top of the first page of The Eye in the World. It’s responsible for beckoning an entire generation of readers into the fantasy genre. For many, it is a profound quote that speaks to the nature of the story of The Wheel of Time – a cycle that never ends. It just goes on, and on, and on, and never deviates from its protracted course… until now. The “but” shows the reader that they are witnessing something special, something one of a kind. It begs the reader to demand of the book “show me why this time will be different.”

4) “It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass.” – The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien

Said by Samwise Gamgee when Frodo loses his hope, this quote speaks to tenacity. The “but” encapsulates the fact that while things might be hard now, the bad times are fleeting. If we just press on and keep placing one foot in front of the other, the dawn will come. This “but” represents rock bottom and a turning point. Although today is a nightmare, tomorrow it will just seem like a dream. This “but” renews the hopes of its readers and shows you that everything is going to be okay. The night is darkest just before the dawn.

5) “It’s the questions we can’t answer that teach us the most. They teach us how to think. If you give a man an answer, all he gains is a little fact. But give him a question and he’ll look for his own answers.” – The Wise Man’s Fear by Patrick Rothfuss

Rothfuss is known for his delightful prose, but this quote in particular always stood out to us. The line is about wisdom and how curiosity, not the sheer volume of one’s knowledge, is the foundation of a smart mind. The “but” in this instance encourages you to go deeper and think hard about which of the two qualities is better. At the same time, it helps organize the line to convince the reader that curiosity and the promise of future knowledge can be better than knowledge alone.

6) “Honor is dead, but I will see what I can do.” – Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson

This is one of our favorite quotes of all time, and this might just be our favorite “but.” Declared by Kaladin right before he does something incredibly badass, this “but” serves to hype up the reader for an explosive climax that approaches at full speed. This “but” is a harbinger of awesome and a shepherd of excitement, transitioning the reader into an adrenaline fueled spot on the edge of their seat.

7) “The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the ‘Star Spangled Banner,’ but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.” – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

We have seen a ton of serious “buts” so far, but the “but” can also be humorous. It can serve as a straight man, as it does in this famous Douglas Adams quote, to the ridiculous. In this quote, the “but” serves as a foil to the outlandish scenario of dolphins being hyper sentient space-faring aliens, and their gratitude for all the fish we have given them in one form or another over the years. The “but” is the gateway from the normal to the absurd, the everyday to the ridiculous.

8) “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” – The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula Le Guin

A spectacular quote from a spectacular book shows that Le Guin knew the power of a well placed “but.” The Left Hand of Darkness is about a lot of things, one of which is growth and change. This quote eloquently states an age-old adage: it isn’t about where you are going, it’s about what you experience on the way. This “but” is a quiet and wise leader that takes the reader’s hand and shows them insight and wisdom into their own lives. It is a “but” that wants you to be happier and live better.

9) “If we die, we die. All men must die, Jon Snow. But first, we’ll live.” – A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin

It’s fitting that a fantasy epic so replete with death and destruction can make such a poignant commentary on the joys of life. George R.R. Martin weaves a massive tale brimming with the worst facets of humanity. Torture, murder, deceit, backstabbing, and any number of other wrongdoings fill the pages of A Song of Ice and Fire, but through it all, in stark (pun intended) contrast to the woeful world surrounding them, the characters trudge forward and keep a firm grip on those small moments that make them feel alive. This “but” is a forceful commentary on the fleeting nature of life, and a call for Jon Snow and his comrades to seize the day. If you live each day fearful of death, are you really living at all? In response to that question, this “but” shouts a resounding, unequivocal “no.”

10) “It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.” – Good Omens by Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman

Our final “but” comes to us courtesy of Pratchett and Gaiman and speaks to human nature. In their famous collaborative work, Good Omens, the authors toy with the idea of how circumstance and context sculpt human values and morality. In the book, the authors basically make the case that no one is fundamentally good or evil, but a product of their surroundings and choices. The “but” serves to let you in on the secret of the book and give you insight into humanity. It’s a powerful “but” and one of our favorites.

Well, that’s the full list! We hope you have enjoyed our compilation of the top ten “buts” in fantasy and science fiction. This list was compiled through a combined effort of all of The Quill to Live writers, except for Sean, who badly misunderstood the assignment. His list was undignified, inappropriate, and completely mishandled the subject matter of the piece. I doubt anyone would be interested, but if you want to see his list, you can find an article on the best butts here.